⛽️😱“Gas Prices” Edition

May 19, 2026

Every year, Americans celebrate Memorial Day the same way: by honoring the nation’s fallen heroes with a solemn pilgrimage to the nearest Buc-ee’s parking lot, where a man in wraparound sunglasses screams at a family of five because unleaded just hit $5.19 a gallon. The holiday has become less about remembrance and more about discovering which member of the family quietly switched the dashboard from “miles remaining” to “kilometers remaining” in a desperate attempt to preserve morale.

Naturally, Republican politicians responded to the spike in gas prices with the seriousness the moment demands, running from every reporter who asked how the war in Iran is affecting gas prices. Cable news panels then spent forty-eight straight hours interviewing experts standing in front of gas station signs as though the numbers had just appeared there through supernatural means, like crop circles or messages from the dead.

Energy companies insist they understand the burden on working families, which is why several CEOs will be bravely enduring the crisis from aboard slightly smaller yachts this summer. Investors celebrated the moment by pushing oil stocks higher, proving once again that in America, every national inconvenience is simply another exciting wealth-generation opportunity for the wealthy.

The real victims, however, are suburban dads, whose annual identity crisis has returned with full force. For years they insisted the giant lifted pickup truck was absolutely necessary for “hauling stuff,” only to discover that “stuff” now costs $140 to transport to a campground three hours away. Across the country, thousands of men are currently standing motionless beside Ford F-250s muttering phrases like, “Maybe we should’ve gotten the hybrid,” before quickly regaining consciousness and blaming the Federal Reserve instead.

Still, Americans will press onward, because nothing—not inflation, geopolitical instability, or a second mortgage-sized fuel bill—can stop the sacred tradition of sitting motionless on an interstate for six hours to eat a hamburger near a lake. Memorial Day has always been about sacrifice. This year, the sacrifice just happens to be the last remaining balance on everyone’s Visa card.