🌊“Floods and Gators” Edition

Texas Floods Reveal New Emergency Strategy: Cross Fingers and Hope for the Best.

In a disaster response plan apparently drawn from the "shrug emoji 🤷‍♀️” playbook, catastrophic flooding in central Texas left more than 100 people dead, and officials scrambled to figure out how to work emergency sirens they never installed.

As floodwaters surged 20 feet in a single hour, local leaders insisted they were “shocked” by the event, despite years of discussions about flood warning systems that ended with a unanimous vote for “Let’s save money and pray.” Kerr County officials, it turns out, had no emergency alert system—just a firm belief that spending taxpayer money on lifesaving technology would get them primaried.

Meanwhile, meteorologists with the National Weather Service were working short-staffed, thanks to Trump administration budget cuts and early retirement packages cleverly disguised as “streamlining.” Forecasts warned of several inches of rain. Nature, however, went off-script and dumped 20.

As local officials swiped away emergency alerts like spam texts, the Trump administration stood firm: “Nobody saw it coming,” Trump declared, despite multiple forecasters shouting into the digital void. When asked if the government should consider rehiring weather experts, Trump said, “I really wouldn’t, I think not,” because hiring people is clearly overrated in a national crisis.

But not to worry—Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick vowed to hold a special legislative session to investigate whether not warning people about floods may, in fact, lead to people dying in floods.

So to recap: no sirens, no local alerts, and no plans to stop cutting weather staff. But plenty of press conferences, finger-pointing, and the usual post-disaster promise to maybe try harder next time. Assuming there’s funding. Or interest. Or staff.

Rob Rogers - Andrews McMeel

Jeff Danziger - Tribune Content Agency

KAL - Andrews McMeel

Robert Arial - Andrews McMeel

Lalo Alcaraz - Andrrews McMeel

Jimmy Margulies - King Features

Mike Smith - King Features

Ted Rall - Andrews McMeel

Clay Jones - Claytoonz

Attorney General Pam Bondi, the Trump administration’s self-appointed crusader against the Epstein conspiracy, has apparently discovered… nothing. After months of hyping a mythical “client list” like it was the lost Ark of the Covenant, Bondi now finds herself holding what appears to be a glorified filing cabinet full of disappointment.

Despite her breathless Fox News appearances assuring America that she had “tens of thousands of videos” of Epstein with minors “on her desk,” a newly released DOJ memo says: actually, no—there’s no smoking gun, no blackmail treasure trove, no grainy tape of a global elite cabal in mid-sin. Just a lot of unfulfilled QAnon fan fiction.

Even MAGA loyalists are getting twitchy. Far-right influencer Laura Loomer demanded Bondi be fired for wasting the opportunity to confirm that Hillary Clinton runs a secret island dungeon. Elon Musk chimed in at 4 a.m. with his usual brand of cryptic frustration, asking rhetorically if “it’s no-one-has-been-arrested-o’clock again.” (Spoiler: it was.)

Meanwhile, Bondi’s explanation shifted from “the list is right here” to “I meant all the paperwork, not that paperwork.” When asked again about the so-called list, she doubled down with a wink and a shrug. The DOJ finally clarified: there’s no list. There was never a list. Please stop asking about the list.

She also insisted there were “tens of thousands” of Epstein videos – a number that FBI officials and former prosecutors treated like she’d claimed to have found Bigfoot hosting a TED Talk. “If we had a video of someone committing felonies, you’d have seen it,” said FBI Director Kash Patel, trying not to laugh on a podcast.

In classic Bondi fashion, even the number she lowballed turned out to be wrong. She said 250 Epstein victims. The DOJ says it was over one thousand. But sure, let’s focus on fictional VHS tapes and imaginary Excel spreadsheets instead of the very real victims who continue to be let down.

At this point, Bondi's approach to justice seems to be: make wild claims, shrug when they collapse, and pivot to the next Fox hit.