🛑“Stop the Steal” Edition

The Republican National Committee today unveiled its latest innovation in electoral strategy: eliminating the need for democracy altogether.

“Why risk free and fair elections when we can just pick our voters ourselves?” said GOP spokesperson Ima Gerrymander. “Texas has shown the way, carving districts so creatively that even Salvador Dali would get dizzy. And now, with President Trump pushing to ban mail-in ballots, we’re confident no inconvenient citizens will sneak through the cracks.”

The party also congratulated itself on pioneering “competitive authoritarianism—American style.” “We call it the ‘one party, one nation, under Trump’ plan,” said a senior aide. “It’s perfectly legal, it’s ruthlessly efficient, and best of all, it saves us from having to come up with ideas that appeal to actual people.”

When asked whether these tactics undermine democracy, GOP officials laughed. “Democracy? Please. That’s just a liberal talking point. Our maps guarantee the results before the first ballot is cast. We like to call it ‘certainty you can believe in.’”

Clay Jones - Claytoonz

Pedro Molina - Tribune Content Agency

Bill Bramhall - Tribune Content Agency

Jack Ohman - Tribune Content Agency

KAL - Andrews McMeel

Rob Rogers - Andrews McMeel

Nick Anderson - Tribune Content Agency

Paul Lander and Dan McConnell

Jeff Danziger - Tribune Content Agency

Michael Ramirez - Creators

Fast food has officially priced itself out of being fast food. A Big Mac combo now runs north of $11 in some spots — meaning you could practically finance a used car with what you’d pay to supersize your meal.

McDonald’s, in an act of mercy (or panic), is rolling out “discounted” $8 Big Mac bundles and $5 breakfasts, which is like a pickpocket offering you half your wallet back and asking to be thanked.

Some of McDonald’s rivals are struggling even more—Jack in the Box posted a same-store sales drop of more than 7% in its latest earnings report, its steepest decline in 15 years. A Jack in the Box meal now comes with 7% fewer customers, a side of regret, and includes fries so sad they applied for unemployment.

Chipotle, meanwhile, is losing customers not just to high prices but to stingy burrito rolling. Social media has noticed, and the chain’s once-cool vibe now ranks somewhere between Crocs in 2009 and MySpace in 2015.

Into this chaos strolls Chili’s, suddenly America’s hero. For $10.99 you get an appetizer, entrée, and drink — which, in the current economy, qualifies as a Michelin-star bargain. TikTok can’t get enough of the “Triple Dipper,” mozzarella sticks are flying like currency, and Chili’s is the new prom queen of the restaurant sector.

The moral of the story? Americans are discovering that if they’re going to drop $12 a head, they’d rather do it somewhere with real silverware, free chips and salsa, and the faint illusion of dignity. McDonald’s may lure some back with coupons and combo deals, but for now, the Golden Arches have been upstaged by the neon chili pepper. 🌶️🍔