🌈"DIE DEI" Edition

In a bold move to protect America from the grave threat of representation, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is reportedly renaming the USNS Harvey Milk, because nothing says “warrior ethos” like getting triggered by a gay guy’s name on a boat.

Just in time for Pride Month—because timing is everything when you're punching down—the Pentagon is set to swap out the name of the ship honoring Milk, the slain LGBTQ+ rights pioneer and Navy veteran, for something more in line with real American values. Like, presumably, the USNS Straight White Male, Esq.

But don’t worry—this isn’t personal. Hegseth is just conducting a little housecleaning to remove all traces of "DEI," which stands for Don't Empower Inclusivity. Other vessels in the crosshairs include those honoring Thurgood Marshall, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez, and other radical troublemakers who had the gall to advance civil rights or be women.

Pentagon spokesperson Sean Parnell said the renaming campaign is meant to reflect the “Commander-in-Chief’s priorities,” which now apparently include rolling back progress to the pre-civil rights era in the name of “warrior ethos”—a phrase that now means “no rainbows allowed.”

Critics, like Nancy Pelosi and Gavin Newsom, pointed out that while stripping Harvey Milk’s name off a Navy ship may give the far-right a temporary sugar high, it won’t erase his impact, though it will erase any pretense that this is about national security and not just state-sponsored pettiness.

Meanwhile, Secretary Hegseth will continue milking anti-diversity bigotry as long as he remains one of the dimmest lights in the MAGA constellation.

Rob Rogers - Andrews McMeel

Chris Britt - Creators

Bill Bramhall - Tribune Content Agency

Jack Ohman - Tribune Content Agency

Nick Anderson - Tribune Content Agency

Marshall Ramsay - Creators (News Link)

Matt Davies - Andrews McMeel (News Link)

Lalo Alcaraz - Andrews McMeel

Jack Ohman - Tribune Content Agency

Drew Sheneman - Tribune Content Agency

Matt Wuerker - Andrews McMeel

In a shocking turn of events, Senator Joni Ernst has realized some constituents still think she gives a damn about whether they live or die. After casually responding to Medicaid cut concerns with the Zen-like wisdom of a nihilist fortune cookie—“Well, we are all going to die”—Ernst assumed the point had been made. Apparently not!

So she took to Instagram, where real compassion lives, and clarified her position: Yes, you’re all gonna die. No, she’s not sorry. And if you want eternal life, kindly consult Jesus, not your insurance provider.

Her follow-up message essentially boiled down to: “Death, taxes, and not my problem.” She even worked in a crack about the Tooth Fairy, possibly signaling her next policy target.

While Ernst champions a bill that cuts Medicaid coverage for nearly 9 million people (don’t worry, it only adds trillions to the debt!), she insists it's all about helping “hardworking Iowans”—as long as those Iowans don’t expect things like prenatal care, mental health support, or functioning lungs.

Critics call her tone cold. Ernst calls it fiscally responsible apathy. After all, if you're going to strip people of health care, at least do it with the smug confidence of someone who's read Atlas Shrugged and thought, Yes, finally, a manual.

So, if you’re worried about losing your Medicaid? Don’t be. Just remember: we’re all going to die. Some of us will just get there a bit quicker, courtesy of JoniCare™.

RIP empathy.