🗂️“Missing Epstein Files” Edition

In a holiday-season miracle worthy of its own biblical chapter, the Justice Department announced it has found more than a million additional documents potentially related to Jeffrey Epstein, apparently hiding in plain sight this whole time (or perhaps they were stacked to the ceiling in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom this whole time).

The DOJ assured the public this was not a cover-up, a delay tactic, or an act of institutional amnesia, but simply the normal process of discovering massive troves of evidence after lawmakers, survivors, and the threat of contempt started closing in.

Officials say they now need “a few more weeks” to review and redact the newly unearthed documents, continuing a release strategy best described as drip, drip, “oh shit!”

Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle noted that every time Congress applies pressure, another storage room door seems to creak open, revealing yet another mountain of sensitive paperwork that definitely wasn’t on anyone’s desk earlier, despite repeated claims that it was.

Survivors and critics remain unimpressed, pointing out that transparency loses some of its charm when it arrives in heavily blacked-out installments and only after public outrage peaks. Still, the DOJ insists it is fully complying with the law and the president’s directive to release the files, even if the documents keep reproducing like redacted rabbits. At this rate, Epstein’s paper trail may turn out to be the only thing in Washington that grows, but then turns black, when exposed to sunlight.

Jack Ohman - Substack and Tribune Content Agency

Rob Rogers - Tinyview Comics and Andrews McMeel

KAL - Substack and Andrews McMeel

Joel Pett - Tribune Content Agency

Robert Arial - Andrews McMeel

Chris Britt - Creators

Jeff Danziger - Tribune Content Agency

Nick Anderson - Substack and Tribune Content Agency

Paul Duginsky - cagle.com/duginski

Palantir, long marketed as the thinking liberal’s surveillance company, has completed a graceful ideological pirouette and landed squarely inside ICE’s deportation machinery, while insisting this is actually the most progressive possible outcome.

CEO Alex Karp, once a Trump-loathing Democrat who said mass deportations made “no sense,” now explains that extreme skepticism of immigration is the true path to social justice, especially when implemented with proprietary software called Immigration OS. The platform helps ICE identify, track, and remove undocumented immigrants faster and more efficiently, proving that nothing says compassion like optimizing deportations at scale.

The shift coincided neatly with Trump’s return to power, a booming federal contracting pipeline, soaring Palantir stock, and the quiet removal of language in the company’s code of conduct about avoiding bias or protecting vulnerable groups.

Palantir executives frame the move as responding to voter sentiment and national security needs; critics call it building the infrastructure of a police state. Former employees resigned, protesters showed up, and civil liberties groups objected, but Palantir insists it is merely providing tools, not making policy; a distinction that becomes easier to maintain when the tools are profitable, noncompetitive contracts arrive without bidding, and “anti-woke” suddenly aligns perfectly with shareholder value.