🫠"MAGA Meltdown" Edition

In the latest episode of “MAGA Meltdown: Epstein Edition,” President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to defend his embattled Attorney General, Pam Bondi, who’s under fire from MAGA loyalists for not unearthing the smoking gun in the Epstein saga. According to Trump, Bondi is doing a “FANTASTIC JOB,” which in this administration usually means "becoming a lightning rod for conspiracy-fueled rage while utterly face planting on the job."

Trump, always the team player, asked why “selfish people” were attacking his “PERFECT Administration” over “a guy who never dies”—which, in fairness, is a solid tagline for a zombie horror franchise, but less reassuring when applied to a high-profile sex trafficking case.

Behind the scenes, Trump personally called MAGA influencers like Charlie Kirk to beg them to tone it down—basically, “Hey Charlie, maybe wait until after the election before accusing my AG of a cover-up?” Meanwhile, at a conservative pep rally in Florida, speakers roasted Bondi like she was the main course at Mar-a-Lago pig roast.

Bondi tried to weather the storm the MAGA way: by smiling for cameras next to Trump at a soccer match while he gave her a very reassuring thumbs-up, the universal sign of “you’re safe... for now.”

Inside DOJ, things are so chaotic even Dan Bongino is reportedly considering resigning—which is a little like the captain of a pirate ship declaring this mutiny is one step too far. And Steve Bannon, whose show is basically QVC for outrage, devoted an entire episode to suggesting the Epstein investigation was more cover-up than closure.

The spark that lit this conspiracy bonfire? Of course, the DOJ memo concluding Epstein did not leave behind a client list and, yes, still died by suicide. This conclusion, drawn from investigations conducted during Trump's first term, has enraged the base that was hoping for names, scandal, and maybe an Illuminati confession.

Even Tucker Carlson is in on the pile-on, accusing Bondi of hiding “very serious crimes”—which is rich coming from a guy who once described January 6 as a patriotic field trip.

In response to the firestorm, Trump brushed it off, wondering why anyone cares about Epstein “at a time like this,” by which he presumably meant “while I’m still president.”

Summing up the chaos, Trump shouted into the digital void: “LET PAM BONDI DO HER JOB — SHE’S GREAT!” before dismissing Epstein as “somebody that nobody cares about.” Just don’t tell that to the army of conspiracy peddlers, podcasters, and TikTok sleuths he spent five years winking at.