"I💔NY” Edition

Centrist Democrats are brokenhearted

In a plot twist no one in the Hamptons brunch circuit saw coming, 33-year-old democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani has reportedly ruined everything by winning New York City’s Democratic mayoral primary—defeating scandal-magnet and comeback enthusiast Andrew Cuomo, who now returns to the political wilderness (again) with nothing but a concession speech and a LinkedIn profile update.

Cue the Democratic Party panic klaxon: donors, moderates, and cable news contributors immediately began clutching pearls, drafting sternly worded group texts, and bracing for the Great Suburban Voter Exodus of 2026. Meanwhile, progressives threw a block party powered by free child care, subsidized groceries, and the raw energy of “rent freeze” chants.

Mamdani, who apparently didn’t get the memo that socialism was supposed to be theoretical, ran a campaign focused on cost-of-living issues, viral videos, and reminding voters that Cuomo’s track record reads like the plot of a prestige TV downfall arc.

Wall Street wept, Bernie cheered, and Trump called Mamdani “a 100% Communist Lunatic,” presumably while pricing beachfront bunkers in case NYC becomes a People’s Republic by November.

Establishment Dems are now scrambling to decide: do we cautiously praise Mamdani’s “energy” while ghosting his policies, or try to Photoshop him out of party photos entirely? Bonus stress points came from Mamdani’s casual use of the words “genocide,” “intifada,” and “government-run grocery stores,” which had centrist strategists Googling “emergency messaging for swing districts.”

In a twist of fate, Mamdani may now face off against Mayor Eric Adams (currently running on a platform of vague resentment) and Curtis Sliwa, who continues to cosplay as a Republican candidate and/or time-traveling subway vigilante.

If elected, Mamdani would become NYC’s youngest mayor in over a century—and its first to inspire both “hope for the working class” and “Wall Street apocalypse scenarios” in the same sentence.

The Democratic Party’s official stance? Somewhere between a cautious “congrats” and a full-blown existential crisis. Stay tuned.

Bill Bramhall - Tribune Content Agency

Matt Davies - Andrews McMeel

Clay Jones - Claytoonz

Mike Luckovich - Creators

Rob Rogers - Andrews McMeel

John Branch - King Features

Gary Markstein - Creators

David Horsey - Tribune Content Agency

Matt Wuerker - Andrews McMeel

Lisa Benson - Counterpoint Media

In a dramatic plot twist that shocked no one except perhaps a handful of interns in Rand Paul’s office, most of the Senate Republicans’ big-budget plans to stick it to federal workers got body-slammed by the Senate parliamentarian over the weekend, courtesy of a little buzzkill called the Byrd Rule.

The ancient, mystical Byrd Rule exists to prevent lawmakers from stuffing every personal vendetta and ideological fantasy into a budget reconciliation bill, especially if the goal is less about money and more about union-busting cosplay. And this time, it declared: "No, Rand, you may not fire 10,000 federal employees by executive shrug."

Paul’s proposal, part of a master plan to fund tax breaks for the ultrawealthy (or as Republicans call them, “job creators”), had some spicy provisions: make new federal workers pay 15% of their salary just to maybe keep their rights, charge $350 to appeal a disciplinary action (because due process should have a cover charge), and force unions to Venmo the government for breathing near a printer.

But alas, Senate Democrats pulled out the Byrd card and said, “Nice try, Scrooge McDuck,” with Sen. Jeff Merkley branding the whole thing as a “big beautiful betrayal”—a phrase that sounds like a romance novel but plays more like a plot to privatize the Post Office.

Even the “Trump Gets Full Control of the Bureaucracy” clause—sure to warm hearts at Mar-a-Lago—was rejected as too extreme for reconciliation, which is apparently still not a synonym for “dictatorship lite.”

Still, Republicans did manage to keep a few “budgetary” gems in the bill, like auditing workers’ families to make sure their kids haven’t aged into illegality, and adding a 10% “convenience fee” for donating to charities or unions—because nothing screams freedom like taxing Goodwill.

In response, federal worker unions rejoiced, probably while resisting the urge to send the parliamentarian flowers, edible arrangements, or a small marble statue labeled “Protector of the Bureaucracy.”

For now, the GOP’s dreams of a federal Hunger Games will have to wait—at least until they can convince 60 senators that balancing the budget on the backs of park rangers and IRS agents is totally cool.