👑“The King’s Speech” Edition

In a dazzling display of holiday desperation, President Donald Trump delivered an 18-minute speed-run of a national address—a sort of political 5K in a golf cart—racing through talking points as if his approval rating depended on it (it does).

Standing between Christmas trees and enough greenery to suggest “festive hostage video,” Trump declared that America was “dead” a year ago but is now “the hottest country anywhere in the world,” proving once again that his economic analysis comes straight from a Guy Fieri episode.

He bragged that grocery prices are down, tariffs are good, spring tax refunds will be “the biggest of all time,” and that he personally resurrected the nation with sheer force of will. Meanwhile, actual Americans—including some of his own voters—continue to experience this thing economists call reality, where prices remain high and wages… don’t.

Trump avoided repeating his earlier line that affordability concerns are a “Democratic hoax,” which apparently counts as progress in this administration. Instead, he delivered a carefully coached message acknowledging, gently, that “it’s not done yet.” His advisers likely wept with relief that he didn’t say inflation was caused by Tylenol or chemtrails.

Polls, however, show the public remains unconvinced. Trump is underwater across the board, especially on the economy, which helps explain why he suddenly cares about talking to Americans again. Rumor has it he plans near-weekly rallies next year to reconnect with MAGA supporters, some of whom have begun to suspect that he is more interested in foreign deals, corporate perks, and White House renovations than helping working-class families. It turns out governing is complicated when you hire for servile loyalty instead of basic competence.

Trump also announced on-the-fly payments of $1,776 to military members, a number that screams “I made this up 30 minutes ago because it sounds vaguely patriotic.” He did not address the growing tensions with Venezuela, possibly because his advisers are rationing how many international crises he’s allowed to escalate per week.

And overshadowing everything is a Vanity Fair profile in which his own chief of staff described him as having an “alcoholic’s personality,” which the White House tried to spin as a positive, probably by pointing out that lots of alcoholics have done great things (like invent bourbon).

In the end, Trump stuck mostly to the teleprompter, delivered the lines he was told to, and proclaimed that “after just one year, we have achieved more than anyone could have imagined,” which is true, assuming that people imagined was unmitigated dysfunction and sheer panic.

Rick McKee - cagle.com/mckee

Joel Pett - Tribune Content Agency

RJ Matson - cagle.com/matson

Ed Wexler - cagle.com/wexler

Jack Ohman - Substack and Tribune Content Agency

Clay Bennett - Tribune Content Agency

Joe Heller - Hellertoon.com

Chris Britt - Creators

Drew Sheneman - Substack and Tribune Content Agency

Kash Patel wants everyone to know that recent reports of his FBI jacket meltdown have been greatly exaggerated; a smear cooked up by bitter relics of the Comey-Wray era who, coincidentally, failed to appreciate his vision for a more Instagram-forward Bureau. According to a 115-page internal report, the FBI under Patel has become a “rudderless ship,” which feels unfair given how much effort the director is putting into wardrobe coordination.

According to reports from actual FBI agents doing actual law-enforcement work, Patel refused to exit an FBI plane after the assassination of Charlie Kirk unless he was wearing an FBI raid jacket. Not any raid jacket, mind you—one that fit, looked cool, and came with the proper Velcro patches for maximum action-movie credibility. When none of the many large or extra-large jackets worked, Patel reportedly settled for a women’s size medium, then delayed disembarkation until SWAT agents stripped their own patches to complete his ensemble.

Rep. Eric Swalwell, who mocked the episode as “cosplay,” suggesting Patel might want to spend less time accessorizing and more time addressing domestic terrorism.

Patel insists this never happened. On Fox News, he explained that he merely accepted a jacket offered by an agent and wore it “with pride,” along with a SWAT badge—an account that somehow still involves costume changes, accessories, and reverence for the look. Critics remain unconvinced, especially as reports pile up about Patel spending more time on social media, PR, and personal jet travel—including a $60 million FBI plane ride to watch his girlfriend perform—than on the small matter of running the nation’s top law-enforcement agency.

The end result is an FBI where agents chase threats while leadership chases aesthetics, where the real drama unfolds not in the field but on the tarmac, and where authority is measured less by action than by whether the Velcro lines up. The bureau may be fighting domestic extremism, but first, someone needs to find a jacket that simultaneously fits a gargantuan ego within in a slight stature.