🎖️“General Absurdity” Edition

Trump and Pete Hegseth dragged 800 generals and admirals from every corner of the globe to Quantico, hyped the event like a new iPhone launch, and then delivered…a MAGA rally dressed up in olive drab and spray tan. Hegseth ranted about “woke garbage” and facial hair as if the real threat to national security were beards (don’t tell the Veep), while Trump rambled about tariffs, Biden, and his latest idea: using American cities as “training grounds” for the military (what could go wrong?).

Instead of strategy, they got Trump bragging about renaming the Pentagon the “Department of War” and Hegseth boasting about his pushups. At times, Hegseth slipped so far into self-parody that it felt ripped from Dr. Strangelove—as if he was channeling General Jack D. Ripper workshopping new material about “precious bodily fluids.”

After dragging scores of generals and admirals into the same room, he seemed desperate for affirmation. Trump begged his summoned brass to clap during a speech so awkward it might as well have been delivered by Stuart Smalley: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”