🖕"Flipping the Bird” Edition

President Trump took time out of touring a Ford factory in Michigan on Tuesday to deliver what the White House later described as a fully appropriate act of presidential leadership: flipping off a factory worker and silently mouthing “f--- you.”

The exchange began when a line worker shouted “pedophile protector” from the factory floor, an obvious reference to Trump’s ongoing efforts to memory-hole the Epstein investigation. Trump responded with the calm restraint Americans have come to expect, pointing, swearing, raising his middle finger, and then waving, presumably to remind everyone this was still a workplace visit.

The White House confirmed the video was authentic and clarified that the president was merely responding to a “lunatic” yelling expletives, an offense so grave it required the commander-in-chief to break out the international hand signal for “executive privilege.” Officials assured reporters that this was not a loss of composure but a carefully calibrated message of strength, dignity, and statesmanship.

The worker, TJ Sabula, was promptly suspended pending an investigation, demonstrating that while the president enjoys free speech protections up to and including obscene gestures, factory employees do not. Sabula said he had no regrets, though he expressed concern about political retaliation, an anxiety quickly validated by reality. A fundraiser for him surged past $150,000, suggesting that Americans remain deeply moved by the sight of someone yelling the truth at power and immediately paying for it.

Union leaders reminded the public that workers should not be subjected to vulgar language by anyone, including the president: an ambitious position in an era where vulgarity is effectively part of the executive branch’s brand identity. Ford declined to comment, likely out of respect for the sacred tradition of not wanting piss off the the famously vengeful POTUS.

Trump went on to give a speech to the Detroit Economic Club, having once again demonstrated his unique ability to connect with working Americans, by swearing at them from above an assembly line, flipping them off, and having them suspended. Leadership, after all, is about meeting people where they are, then gesturing obscenely as you walk away.

At least Mr. Sabula can be thankful he wasn’t immediately shot by a petulant ICE officer.

Nick Anderson - Substack and Tribune Content Agency

Chris Britt - Creators

Jimmy Margulies - King Features

Rob Rogers - Tinyview Comics and Andrews McMeel

Mike Luckovich - Creators

Jonathan Brown - cagle.com/brown

Matt Wuerker - Andrews McMeel

Steve Breen - Creators

Jeff Daniziger - Tribune Content Agency

Iranian authorities insist they are restoring order after what appears to be the small administrative inconvenience of killing thousands of their own citizens. Officials say the protests are winding down, the streets are calm, and the only remaining problem is protesters continuing to exist: an issue security forces are decisively addressing with live ammunition.

After days of denying anything unusual was happening, the regime briefly acknowledged that people were dying, before clarifying that the deaths were either caused by “terrorists,” foreign agents, or protesters recklessly throwing their bodies in the path of flying bullets. State media reassured viewers by broadcasting images of body bags, explaining that this is what chaos looks like when citizens demand bread, wages, and basic rights.

Executions were announced, then unannounced, then maybe postponed, then definitely denied, according to President Trump, who said he had been “assured” they wouldn’t happen. By whom remains unclear, but confidence is high. Trump added that Iran is “very close to freedom,” which experts interpret as either imminent liberation or a convenient justification to pivot toward nonintervention.

To maintain transparency, Iran shut down the internet nationwide, blocked international phone calls, and scrambled GPS signals: classic moves by a government with nothing to hide. A handful of Iranians managed to briefly connect via satellite internet to report that the streets are “full of blood,” hospitals are overwhelmed, and security forces are arresting wounded protesters directly from operating rooms.

Snipers have reportedly been stationed on rooftops, firing into crowds at night, though authorities stress they are only shooting from a thousand yards away in self defense. Machine guns have been heard across major cities, but the government assures the public that this is normal crowd control and that anyone still alive should stop exaggerating.

Human rights groups are struggling to count the dead as numbers jump from hundreds to thousands, but officials say this is a misunderstanding caused by poor connectivity.

Stay tuned for further updates, assuming the internet comes back on long enough, and there are people left to send them.