America, 2025: children are gunned down in schools and churches, hospitals fill with the wounded, parents collapse in griefâand the political right is in full revolt over⊠a restaurant logo.
Cracker Barrel, a chain best known for fried chicken, pegboard games, and gift shops stuffed with Yankee Candles, dared to release a bland new logo minus its mascot, Uncle Herschel. Within minutes, MAGA influencers declared this the greatest threat to American civilization since the metric system. Donald Trump himself stormed in to defend the sanctity of the logo, congratulating Cracker Barrel for restoring the Old Timer and thereby saving the republic.
Think about that: not a presidential statement about gunfire raining down on children at Mass in Minneapolis, but a presidential statement about clip art on a pancake house.