💰“Big Bezos Bill” Edition

Jeff Bezos threw a lavish wedding in Venice—complete with gondolas, glamour, gargantuan silicone breasts, and a 4,300-square-foot protest banner reminding the world he pays less tax (proportionally) than the guy scooping gelato nearby, or the woman scooping filth from his toilet.

The banner, courtesy of Greenpeace and a group delightfully named “Everyone Hates Elon,” accused Bezos of dodging taxes while casually renting an entire historic city for his nuptials. But let’s be fair: Bezos did pay taxes last year—a whopping 4.5% of how much richer he got, according to a Forbes estimate, which in billionaire math is like tipping your barista with a couple nickels.

In 2024 alone, Bezos sold $13.6 billion in Amazon stock while the rising stock made him $60 billion richer. Meanwhile, he coughed up an estimated $2.7 billion in taxes. That’s generous if you ignore the fact that it's just 1% of his net worth, less than most people pay in sales tax buying a pizza.

How does he do it? Easy. He donates stock (which earns massive deductions), moves to Florida to dodge state capital gains taxes, and takes a modest salary that wouldn’t raise IRS eyebrows at a bake sale.

Activists want to tax billionaires on unrealized gains, but so far, every wealth tax proposal has been lovingly euthanized by Congress. If any of them passed, Bezos might owe $10 billion more—but still wouldn’t notice unless someone told him in his yacht’s morning briefing.

In short, Bezos paid enough in taxes to fund a small country, but made enough money to buy ten. Protesters want him to pay more. Bezos, it seems, would rather just buy more politicians… and Venice.

JimmyMargulies - King Features

Michael Ramirez - Creators

Walt Handelsman - Tribune Content Agency

Clay Bennett - Counterpoint Media

Nick Anderson - Tribune Content Agency

Joel Pett - Tribune Content Agency

Clay Jones - Claytoonz

Jeff Stahler - Andrews McMeel

Ted Rall - Andrews McMeel

Chris Britt - Creators

President Trump is headed to Florida to personally christen the latest marvel of right-wing fever swamps and American hospitality: “Alligator Alcatraz”—a migrant detention facility conveniently located in the middle of the Everglades, where the guards are optional because the hungry alligators work for free.

According to the White House, this swamp-surrounded sanctuary for Trump’s mass deportation plan is a “low-cost, high-predator” solution to immigration enforcement. Only one road in, no roads out—unless you count the digestive tracts of local wildlife. Officials boast it’s “unforgiving terrain,” because nothing promotes Christian values like pythons and gator pits.

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt helpfully explained that this remote crocodile gulag will help “process and deport criminal illegal aliens,” a phrase she repeated until her empathy chip short-circuited. When asked if putting human beings in a biological minefield was humane, Leavitt replied, “Let’s just say no one escapes Alligator Alcatraz—except perhaps through litigation.” But even that is unlikely given the recent Supreme Court ruling that effectively relegated lower court rulings to the marshy sediment.

The $450 million-a-year facility will be funded partly by FEMA, because why spend money on climate disasters when you can spend it on migrant Jurassic Park?

Meanwhile, Florida’s Attorney General—channeling his inner reptile brain—praised the facility as a “one-stop shop” for deportation—apparently confusing immigration policy with Amazon Prime. “No fences needed,” he bragged, “just gators and despair.”

Joining Trump at the ribbon-cutting will be Kristi Noem, Ron DeSantis, and Byron Donalds—presumably to take selfies in front of detention cells while avoiding eye contact with protesting Indigenous groups and endangered species lawyers.

Protesters, environmentalists, and human rights advocates gathered over the weekend to object to locking up asylum seekers in sacred wetlands guarded by apex predators. Their concerns were swiftly ignored, presumably because alligators don’t vote, and detained migrants aren’t invited to the Fourth of July barbecue.

In conclusion, American immigration policy is now brought to you by Animal Planet and Escape Room. And if anyone still doubts that “the cruelty is the point,” well, you haven’t been paying attention.