🐊“Alligator Alcatraz” Edition

What began as a gator-laced joke is now Trump’s latest immigration policy.

Welcome to Alligator Alcatraz—a migrant detention center in the Everglades where the landscaping includes venomous snakes, predatory reptiles, and absolutely zero irony. Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier called it a “one-stop shop” for deportations. Trump called the local wildlife “bodyguards you don’t have to pay.” The liberal publication Mother Jones called it “cartoonish cruelty,” which, of course, is an insult to cartoonists. We’ll get over it.

While his sweeping legislative agenda was being debated in Washington, President Trump decided it was the perfect time to go cosplay as a swamp warden at his new Everglades sideshow. Why legislate when you can narrate your own dystopian theme park?

Touring the freshly built detention center—complete with bunk beds and barbed wire—Trump marveled at the alligator-infested moat and joked about escape tactics. “Zigzag, folks,” he said helpfully, turning a wildlife myth into immigration policy.

Flanked by his usual cast—Stephen Miller in full villain mode and Kristi Noem offering anecdotal horror stories about alleged cannibal detainees that DHS mysteriously couldn’t verify—Trump celebrated the facility as the crown jewel of his $175 billion “Fear and Swamp” agenda. Meanwhile, his press team gleefully pushed gator-themed propaganda, including AI-generated ICE-alligator mashups and custom merch for influencers.