💸“Affordability Crisis” Edition

(And of course, more Epstein cartoons)

According to Donald Trump and his loyal hype squad, everything is going great, prices are falling, and the biggest threat to America is still…trans kids playing volleyball. If voters think groceries are expensive, well, that’s just because Democrats and the media keep printing numbers like “$4.89 for eggs” to destroy confidence.

Republican leaders—huddled behind closed doors, clutching talking points like emotional support animals—have reached a bold strategic conclusion:

“Our message is working. The voters are wrong.”

Trump now declares himself the leader of the “Party of Affordability,” which is an interesting slogan for a movement that just lost elections because voters said they can’t afford rent, food, or prescription drugs. But no matter. The GOP insists the economy is great, prices are falling, and you are simply too brainwashed to enjoy it.

In fact, Trump says Thanksgiving dinner will cost 25% less this year.

It will not.

Because math.

Republican strategists warn this might be a problem. Meanwhile, voters are obsessed with trivial concerns like food, shelter and clothing.

But within Trumpworld? No doubt. No reflection. Just a firm belief that if they yell “THE ECONOMY IS GREAT” loudly enough, groceries will hear them and reduce their prices out of fear.

Also, Trump is supposedly more popular than Obama and Bush at this point in their presidencies. Independent polling confirms…he is not. But why fact-check the vibes when you can just keep repeating them on Fox Business until they fossilize?

But don’t worry—Donald Trump says inflation is fixed.

And if your bank account doesn’t reflect that?

The Republican Party has decided that’s your imagination acting up again.

Clay Bennett - Tribune Content Agency

Joel Pett - Tribune Content Agency

Nick Anderson - Substack and Tribune Content Agency

Harley Schwadron - cagle.com/schwadron

Jimmy Margulies - King Features

Michael de Adder - cagle.com/de-adder

Rob Rogers - Andrews McMeel

Graeme MacKay - cagle.com/mackay

Pedro Molina - Tinyview and Tribune Content Agency

Megyn Kelly has discovered a groundbreaking new legal theory: pedophilia is apparently a spectrum, and Jeffrey Epstein was just a low-grade teen enthusiast.

On her SiriusXM show, Kelly—who has previously gone to war for the whiteness of Santa and the cultural legacy of blackface—announced that Epstein may not really be a pedophile, because he only liked 15-year-old girls. She implied that it wasn’t quite fair to call Jeffrey Epstein a pedophile because he was “into the barely legal type” of minors.

Newsflash: 15-year-olds aren’t “legal.” They aren’t even “barely legal.” They are completely and utterly off limits—legally and morally—and anyone who preys on them belongs behind bars.

Kelly even cited a mysterious insider who, according to her, insisted that Epstein “wasn’t into eight-year-olds.” A defense so morally bankrupt it should come with a cigarette and one phone call. It’s like saying: “Sure, he steals cars, but I’ve never seen him steal a school bus full of children.”

She reassured the audience that she, of course, finds it “disgusting”… before explaining at length why we shouldn’t call Epstein what he was: a predator and a pedophile.

Meanwhile, Epstein’s teen victims’ lives were shattered—some dropped out of school at fourteen, some still live with the trauma—but Megyn Kelly is out here debating the technical definition of pedophilia like she’s competing in a middle-school vocabulary bee.

This is the same Megyn Kelly who last year demanded conservatives stop defending Russell Brand because he allegedly slept with a 16-year-old.

Former child actors are now posting #IWasFifteen photos to remind Kelly that 15-year-olds are children. Christina Ricci put it best: “This woman is a danger to children.”

So, Megyn Kelly has now taken the bold position that Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t that kind of child predator. Just the kind who trafficked high school freshmen.

When someone starts a sentence with “I’m not defending him, BUT…,” the rest of the sentence is usually something that should remain unsaid.